I could have stopped there...

Last night I read a profile of a London politican, the Conservative party candidate for mayor Boris Johnson. He is described as "bumbling," which I kind of like, although I am cynical enough about politicans to believe that he has spent a lot of energy cultivating an image of himself as such. But he said something that I really connected with: "Things come into my head that I find simply impossible not to say, and then all sorts of chaos breaks out. But I think it's much better that way than endlessly prerehearsing, sanitizing, homogenizing, pasteurizing everything you say to the point of macrobiotic extincition." He just wants to be real, man.

I get it. I have this philosophy, which I developed when I was about 19, that I would never regret anything I said or did impetuously, because it was an honest reflection of how I was feeling at the time. I have that impulse Boris Johnson talks about--the need to say something the moment it comes to me, even if chaos will ensue. Partly, it's like: I'm thinking this, and if I have to deal with it, so do you. I look back at things I said or did when Shane and I were breaking up that were really stupid and immature, but that's where I was at then. At least I was honest with myself and with him about what I was feeling. It's when I hold back that I tend to have regrets. My brother told me recently, "Tiff, I see you holding back a lot lately. It's not like you." He was right. It was a good reminder.

My commitment to authenticity gets me in trouble sometimes. My brother and dad, in particular, are pretty critical of my moodiness. But I just don't feel I should be expected to dress up my moods to suit other people. If I'm my authentic self all the time, it's not going to be pretty. But don't take it personally--my moods have nothing to do with you.

It's really important to me that people are authentic. I've had a hard time with the presidential candidates because I don't feel like any of them are genuinely behind what they tell people. I know this is not a revolutionary realization about politicians. They all tailor their messages, themes, images based on thier audience. Being conscious of your audience is an effective form of persuasion. I realize that's how it has to be done to earn a nomination. It just makes it really difficult to feel like I can support someone who tells me one thing, and then tells a different group something else. How will I know what you really believe, which is all that matters when you're actually in office? What is the point of such a flawed system? Basically, you have to lie to get into power. The public is partly to blame; we say we want honesty, but do not react well when we're told things that we don't want to hear.

I always want the truth, no matter how difficult or hurtful it may be. I need it. One of my favorite Margaret Atwood quotes is about how people always choose the truth, even knowing it's accompanied by pain. Oh, wait. I found it in one of my old journals. It's from her novel The Blind Assassin:

"I could have stopped there. I could have chosen ignorance, but I did what you would have done. I chose knowledge instead. Most of us will. We'll choose knowledge no matter what, we'll maim ourselves in the process, we'll stick our hands into the flames for it if necessary. Curiostiy is not our only motive: love or grief or despair or hatred is what drives us on. We'll spy relentlessly on the dead, hoping for a hint, a final word, an explanation, from those who have deserted us--who've left us holding the bag, which is often a good deal emptier than we'd supposed."

I feel like those lines are about me. I have an obsession with knowledge and information. I need the truth, even if it seemingly changes nothing, and I'm not afriad to be hurt in the process. It connects to my preoccupation with time. I feel like life is one big time crunch as I try to cram as much as possible into a small bit of space. I'd rather not waste time operating on assumptions that are not true. And there's no reason to put it off, especially if it's going to hurt. It's like Claire Danes says in Shopgirl: "I could hurt now, or hurt later. Now, I guess."

Now, I guess. Indeed.