My mother, my hero

Yesterday I went to a travel medicine clinic for a consultation on South American travel. Man, there are a lot of sick ways to die! It's pretty intimidating to be explicitly and matter-of-factly told of all the things that can go wrong with you. I really liked the doctor, though (btw, I never like doctors), and I was pretty excited when I left the clinic, I think because it just makes my departure feel that much more real. Now I have many supplies to buy. Oh, and I got a typhoid vaccination yesterday. My arm is sore today...like when you get a flu shot. Also, I have to choose the malaria medication I'm going to take, and I don't know what to do. The one that's the easiest to take can cost $5/day, but the one I can afford has ten million side effects. Man, do I hate mosquitos. Are they really necessary in life?

Also, my mom is the coolest. As has been apparent, I'm pretty stressed about my finances. The other night over dinner, she offered to give me the remaining balance of my program fee...and I was like, Mom, no. But we couldn't get into it because Dave was around and apparently he takes issue with Mom giving me money. But we were on the phone yesterday, and she brought it up again and told me I couldn't argue with her. I just get concerned, though, because she's already taking on the burden of my health insurance premium, my rent, my debt...which totally makes me feel guilty, btw. Oh, and did I mention she doesn't have a job right now? I just feel like a perpetual child, being tied financially to my parents as I am. I rarely ask them for help, but they offer it, and I always, always feel guilty for taking it. Not only do I feel like I'm robbing them of their retirement funds, but I also feel like it's an implicit concession that I cannot take care of myself. Any perceived hit at my independence and self-sufficiency always leads directly to some sort of meltdown as I question my self-identity. I could take care of myself, actually, but I wouldn't be able to do things like AmeriCorps or volunteer in Chile, which is really all I want to do right now. I probably could do it if I didn't have this damn diabetes costing me money all the time. I just feel horrible, because it's like, I decide to do this Chile thing, and then my mom ends up paying for it. And I know I can count on her, because she always bails me out. Every time. While I was worried about finances on one hand, on the other I was like, oh well, my parents won't let me starve in South America. I know I'm lucky to be able to say that, but knowing I think that way bothers me at the same time. I just feel like I owe them so much. I know that's what you do when you have kids, especially a defective one. But christ, it would be nice to stand on my own for once. When I get back. Maybe. Yeah, definitely when I get back. Mom made this darling speech, though, about how she knows living abroad has been a dream of mine, and how she just wants me to be happy and how this trip is going to be the most amazing time of my life and she wants to be able to help make it happen for me. It brought tears to my eyes. Mom is the best. I don't know what I would do without her. She's been so great lately, in so many ways. I can't imagine not seeing her for almost a year.

Incidentally, I was reading Time this morning and there was a picture of a volcano exploding in Chile. Have I ever mentioned how much I love volcanoes? I think they're amazing. I freaking can't wait to see some up close. When I was younger, my parents took Brandon and me on a hike near Mt. St. Helens, and I thought it was fascinating--the power and the devastation. I've always wanted to go back there, but I've never made it happen. This one in Chile, though, was spewing lava. Lava, man! Lava!

I freaking cannot wait for this adventure!