The excellent news is that I have now raised $2,025 for my program fee! I'm prettymuch awesome, as it turns out. Even more awesome are my friends and family, with their generous donations!
Less awesome is that two years of AmeriCorps sucked me dry financially, and now I'm comitted to spending another year as a poor-ass volunteer. Oh well, it's all about the location. Oh, and maybe helping people. Maybe.
Oooh, I totally snapped at my mom on accident last night. I'm always doing that, by the way, and I always feel guilty afterwards, but cannot seem to stop myself. I think I've just been doing it for so long now that it's instinctual. She was just trying to talk to me about my trip preparation, in the sweetest mom-way possible. She asked me about how I was planning to transport my diabetic supplies, and I told her I don't know, and she had a follow-up question, and I lost it and snapped at her. God I'm such a beast! I'm going to be devastated when she's not around for me to snap at next year. I know it's true. The thing is, though, I have no idea how I'm going to transport my diabetic supplies, and the fact that I don't know is always in the back of my mind, stressing me out. And really, I don't want to discuss it. I'll just figure it out when the time comes, and until then, I do not want to think about it.
It's not really like me to avoid making plans, but when it comes to diabetes, I like to not think about it and all its attendant complications whenever possible. Confronting the realities of this trip, actually, makes me really frustrated to be diabetic. It's like, dammit, why do I have to deal with all the extra stress and complications? It's just such a pain in the ass. I still have to contact the insulin pump supplier in Chile. I still have to figure out how I'm taking all my supplies with me. I still have to figure out the cash-flow situation that will enable me to buy all my prescriptions out-of-pocket until I can file claims with my insurance company and be reimbursed. I still have plenty of time to worry about all the illnesses that I will catch due to my bum immune system. I still have to worry about adjusting my body and insulin dosages to different living conditions, different meals, different schedules. I'm also nervous about going a year without checking in with my doctor. I've never gone that long without guidance! Really, I'm not in the mood. It's not really that I feel sorry for myself, but I just get so tiiiiired of dealing with it. I can never escape or take a break from diabetes. Well, if I do, I feel like garbage. It's exhausting to micromanage every facet of my life. I won't even have my diabetic buddies in Chile with me! I'll probably have to call Heather a couple times, just to piss and moan. Yeah, that'll do.
In other news, I made a decision. It's kind of big. I'm delaying graduate school for another year. I've been thinking about it in the back of my mind lately, but I didn't realize I had made a decision until I said it out loud to Meagan on Friday night. Then I told Beth on Saturday. They were both really supportive. On the whole, I feel much better about things. I haven't been getting the best guidance in terms of advice from people in the field, and I've been pretty lackluster about putting things together on my own. I feel so rushed by having to make decisions about programs, get together material for my letters of recommendation, work on personal statements and what have you. I don't like to be rushed. I'd rather be methodical, organized. And I feel like maybe a year away will change my mind about what I want to do. I will certainly be able to write better essays. When I was looking at programs, I was feeling really pressured to know what policy arena I'm interested in, and I still feel uncomfortable having to choose between domestic and international policy. I think Chile will help me figure some of this out, and delaying for another year takes the pressure off. I don't want to do what I ended up doing with undergrad: just applying blindly to schools and making a decision based on location instead of substance. Not that I didn't love SU...but this is my career. I want to be properly prepared and informed. I just feel so much better already that I know I'm making the right decision.
I can't believe I'm leaving in two months. If I have to miss my brother's birthday, I'm going to be pissed!
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