I'm a mess, I'm a mess

So, lately I've been functioning in a constant state of crisis. Perhaps inspired by the recent Brit Brit tragedy, I had approximately five meltdowns last week. Okay, probably not five, but I had a couple. I hope this doesn't continue for the next five weeks!

I can't even remember what I was so stressed about early last week, but I had another altercation with a doctor on Friday. Of course I did. I got a call on Wednesday night from a doctor at the travel medicine clinic to schedule me for a yellow fever vaccination. It's complicated, because the US has a shortage of these vacs right now, but I have to have one if I'm going to visit Bolivia. They don't let you in the country without one. So, because of the shortage, the yellow fever vaccinations are rationed out to different clinics, and once you open it, the vac goes bad in an hour, so you have to have everyone all lined up. Fine, okay, I get it. But when the doc called me, she said she was taking a poll of what times would work for everyone and she would call me back to confirm. I'm pretty sure she said that. But even if she didn't, there was some sort of miscommunication that could not have entirely been my fault. Anyway, I got a call from her on Friday morning, and she was steamed that I had missed my apparent appointment and a dose of vaccination had been wasted. I was like, "I was waiting for a confirmation!" and she was like, very firmly, "No, we were confirmed." Anyway, I guess it wasn't a big deal, but nonetheless I was pissed and then kind of stressed because the doctor seemed so annoyed and I didn't know if she was going to be very helpful with round two. As it turns out, she called me yesterday and we will try again this Friday. I'm confirmed this time, for sure.

Friday was just a hell of a day, actually, because my car has been malfunctioning, and so Brandon and I ran around while I was supposed to be working, trying to get it taken care of. Then I had an appointment with my endo, and she wrote me about 15 prescriptions. We talked about my diabetes and how I need to deal with transporting things, taking proper precautions...things I know but don't necessarily enjoy confronting. So that stressed me out. And because I know her from diabetic camp circa 1990, there was a goodbye scenario in which she got kind of weepy. I've been trying to avoid weepiness in general because I just don't want to get started with it, you know? Also, she asked me if I was going to have an going-away party, which is something I've been avoiding because I don't want it to be too emotional or anything. But I guess it makes sense, because otherwise I will have to see everyone individually and who has the time for that? But I really wasn't ready to start thinking about it, so it took me by surprise. And then I felt overwhelmed again. [I've decided to have a party, by the way. On Sunday, March 2. It will be madness, and my goal is to not cry.]

On the way home, my dad called me and made me feel worse about things [not his intention, I know]. I was whining, and he was like, "It's only nine months." By the way, I've told my father innumerable times that I'm going away for a year! He knows that's my plan and always has been. However, he apparently has it in his mind that I'm going to run home with my tail between my legs at the end of my teaching. Goddamn it pisses me off, and also really hurts my feelings. Does he have no faith in me, in my strength, in my ability to survive and do something challenging and amazing? Apparently not. I feel like he doesn't understand me sometimes. A lot of the time. Isn't it amazing that someone can create you, raise you, and then not understand an entire part of you? Where did the disconnect come from? Although there are precendents; we went through this with AmeriCorps. He did not understand why I couldn't just get a good job, make some good money. I mean, I had a degree, after all!

Some good came out of all of this, though. I was feeling pissy about all of it, and I impulsively called Jacob, and to my surprise and delight, he called me back! I think we're going to be okay. Things felt remarkably the same, except in the back of my mind, I know they're different. And that's okay, I guess. Things change. I just don't think he has any idea what I went through. Anyway, I'm not going to dissect it any more than I already have. At least not here. Although, he did say something very dad-like to me. Again, I was whining, and he was like, "So, what, are you not going?" And I was like, "Umm, that's not even an option." I would never not go. How long have I been wanting this? It doesn't mean it's easy, though. Do these men even know me at all? Do I project some sort of image that I am prone to crumble and back out of things? Maybe I should just keep my goddamn mouth shut. No more whining. It goes nowhere. And I feel worse.

Also, my mom informed me last week that she wants me to pack up all the shit in my room so that someone else can move in. I wish I had known that when I moved in two months ago, because I would have made different choices in getting settled. That pissed me off, actually. And she's pressuring me to quit my third job at the end of February. I was planning to work prettymuch up until the end so that I didn't have too much time to myself to think about leaving and get scared. But it does make sense to leave myself enough time, apparently, to pack up my room, among other things. It's just that, my mom bossing me around does not go over well at this age. She makes a good point, but she's so combative about it that it makes me irrationally want to do the opposite of what she says. It's like I'm in high school all over again. Like I said, these are all endearing qualities of my mother that I'm sure I will miss in approximately three months, but for right now it's not making things any easier.

Can I please just say, though, that the bright spot in my week has been Shane? We had plans on Monday night to hang out and he was going to help me figure out my technolgy, i.e. how to work my digital camera properly and post pictures online and stuff. Anymore, we see each other about twice a year, but he is always a source of comfort for me. He is amazing, by the way. As I was driving home after seeing him...I don't know how to put it into words without sounding schmaltzy, but I was just so full of love for him. He is such a good person. It's amazing to me that I can spend about two years with someone, and five years later, after not seeing each other very much, he still knows exactly who I am. I didn't intend to, but I kind of unloaded a bunch of my stuff on him--it was so natural though and felt so right, everything just came out. And he has the best advice. I am always impressed by his ability to offer insights from such a unique perspective that I had never considered what he was saying before, but when he says it to me, it just makes so much sense. I feel really comfortable with him, I feel safe with him, I trust him, I adore him. Spending time with him like that always reminds me why I was in love with him all those years ago. I feel like the friendship I have with him now is so much more profound than what I had with him, years ago, my first love, but we never would have gotten here without the past. The best part, though, is that we can go so long without contact, but fall back into the routine of relating with such ease. Those are the friendships that last. I'm so lucky that he's still a part of my life. Wow. So lucky.