Man, I'm in a strange mood today. I just feel...wild. My dad accused me of starting to get excited for Christmas, as if I'm seven years old again! Although, I am vaguely excited to see how much money I can get in presents this year. That would really take the pressure off, financially. I'm tiiiiired of working so much!
I sort of eased into working so many hours. Having that adjustment period was really helpful in terms of not making enormous, drastic changes to my schedule. And despite a few disruptions to my bloodsugars, things seem to be evening out. However, this last week, everything totally caught up to me, and all I want to do tonight is crawl into bed and watch movies. (Unfortunately, I will probably have to work.) It probably has something to do with me trying to be social on top of everything else. It's ironic that during AmeriCorps when I had a ton of free time I never wanted to leave the house, and now that I have no time, I'm desperate to cram social calls into my late nights. This is not sustainable.
I hope there is enough time over the holiday season to spend plenty of quality time with everyone that's coming into town. Chris is staying for two weeks! Becca is staying the longest she has stayed since she moved from L.A. to San Francisco--ten days. I don't think I've seen her for that much time in six years! Laurie and Lewis are going to stay with me for a bit, and I'm sure Jacob will be around for a long time too! I can't wait to spend time with my pals! I feel especially needy for intense hangout time since it's all I will have to hold onto after I leave. It sort of devastates me that I won't see Jacob for like a year and a half. That seems like forever. And if one more person tells me it will go quickly, I'm going to scream.
Time does have this alarming habit of speeding up as I age. I remember when the drive from my childhood home to Five Mile Lake seemed endless. Now, I drive it all the time on the way to Latino Night School, and it takes about eight minutes. I find I am always looking toward the future, however immediate it may be. I start thinking about my schedule for the weekend on Monday. My six hour days at my dad's office seem to disappear, although I get very little accomplished. Does this constant thinking about the future prevent me from enjoying the present? Will all my worrying about making my time left here meaningful prevent me from actually engaging in my surroundings in a meaningful way? No. Please, no.
Wednesday, December 12, 2007
Monday, December 3, 2007
So lonely
Working at Anthro in the U Village has given me ample time to think during my seemingly endless commute. Last night, I got out early and had enough energy to entertain a pensive mood as I tried to prevent my car from hydroplaning into a guard rail. Today's thoughts on loneliness have been inspired by my mind's wanderings last night as I listed to The Police's "So Lonely."
I have never considered myself a lonely person. I have moments of feeling lonely, as I assume we all do, but they are few and far between--I can probably identify only two or three times in the last year that I have felt lonely.
Being alone does not bother me. In fact, nothing pleases me more than to spend time by myself. People that witness my public behavior are sometimes shocked to find that I am steadfastly introverted, and need long stretches of alone time to reenergize. When I am denied this alone time, I get quite grouchy and make snarky remarks to people I care about before I am able to stop myself. For me, alone time nurtures my soul. It gives me time to think and process without interruption.
No, I never feel lonely when I am alone. When feelings of loneliness do hit, it happens when I am with others, even surrounded by friends. The loneliest I have felt all year, incidentally, was lying in bed next to Adrian on my birthday...a supposedly intimate moment utterly devoid of companionship. Loneliness also strikes me when I am with family. Several years ago at the cabin, I felt incredibly alone despite being shut up in a small house with my mom, her boyfriend, my brother, his girlfriend, my stepbrother, and his wife. But, at the same time, I was alone as a single person in a group of couples. I don't mind spending time with couples, especially since I have been single for over five years now--it's impossible to avoid as friends get older, marry, build friend groups that primarily consist of couples, and I am quite comfortable with my status as a single woman. But it is the knowledge that everyone in the room has someone that matters more to them than I do that leaves me icily alone. I am not suggesting that this is not how it should be; of course significant others are more important than a friend, a sister, a daughter. And yet, because I do not have someone to be my counterpart, I feel alone. And I do feel a small distance grow between me and my friends and family members in relationships, however self-imposed it may be. It sounds like an ego problem--like I expect to be the center of evereyone's universe, but that's not it. I find it difficult to explain, acutally, but I do understand, and would not expect anything to be different. I just think about confronting the future, knowing that eventually, most of the people by my side will eventually partner with someone, and the distance will grow. One of my biggest fears is that Jacob, or Beth, or Becca will find themselves in relationships, getting married, and then our friend time will dwindle or disappear. No more late-night tv sessions, no more two hour phone conversations or tearful calls in the middle of the night. No more falling asleep in sheet cake while watching How I Met Your Mother in bed.
Whenever I am confronted by loneliness, it takes me by surprise, because I do not sit around and pine for a partner. However, it always concerns me a little, because I have always lived life with the attitude that I am self-sufficient and independent, and I am proud of these traits. And yet, I do rely quite heavily on my friendships and on my family. Isn't there some sort of saying about how all of life is meaningless unless you have someone to share it with? While it would satisfy me to believe that is a load of bull, moments of loneliness make me feel there is a bit of validity in it. I do not believe I need a partner to make life meaningful. However, I do want to share things that are important to me with people that care about me and understand me. I realize the two are not mutually exclusive; friends can love their parnters and love me. No shit. Which is why I have such a hard time working through loneliness. It is selfish. And irrational. Two character traits I'm not proud of.
The reason I'm pondering loneliness so deeply is that I'm curious to see how my relationship with loneliness will change in Chile. When I feel lonely, I am ashamed of myself because I equate loneliness with weakness, and strength is central to my self-identity. And yet, the times that I do feel lonely reveal a need of things that I will not have with me in Chile: companionship with someone that fully understands me, a shared history, intellectual and emotional intimacy. While I'm sure attaining some of these things is possible in Chile, building these kinds of relationships takes time, and I will not be bolstered by easy access to those people I do share these things with. I will survive, because that's what I do. But I'm interested to see--will I discover a new capacity for loneliness? Part of me hopes so, so I can move beyond this difficult period of friends partnering up as I choose not to.
I have never considered myself a lonely person. I have moments of feeling lonely, as I assume we all do, but they are few and far between--I can probably identify only two or three times in the last year that I have felt lonely.
Being alone does not bother me. In fact, nothing pleases me more than to spend time by myself. People that witness my public behavior are sometimes shocked to find that I am steadfastly introverted, and need long stretches of alone time to reenergize. When I am denied this alone time, I get quite grouchy and make snarky remarks to people I care about before I am able to stop myself. For me, alone time nurtures my soul. It gives me time to think and process without interruption.
No, I never feel lonely when I am alone. When feelings of loneliness do hit, it happens when I am with others, even surrounded by friends. The loneliest I have felt all year, incidentally, was lying in bed next to Adrian on my birthday...a supposedly intimate moment utterly devoid of companionship. Loneliness also strikes me when I am with family. Several years ago at the cabin, I felt incredibly alone despite being shut up in a small house with my mom, her boyfriend, my brother, his girlfriend, my stepbrother, and his wife. But, at the same time, I was alone as a single person in a group of couples. I don't mind spending time with couples, especially since I have been single for over five years now--it's impossible to avoid as friends get older, marry, build friend groups that primarily consist of couples, and I am quite comfortable with my status as a single woman. But it is the knowledge that everyone in the room has someone that matters more to them than I do that leaves me icily alone. I am not suggesting that this is not how it should be; of course significant others are more important than a friend, a sister, a daughter. And yet, because I do not have someone to be my counterpart, I feel alone. And I do feel a small distance grow between me and my friends and family members in relationships, however self-imposed it may be. It sounds like an ego problem--like I expect to be the center of evereyone's universe, but that's not it. I find it difficult to explain, acutally, but I do understand, and would not expect anything to be different. I just think about confronting the future, knowing that eventually, most of the people by my side will eventually partner with someone, and the distance will grow. One of my biggest fears is that Jacob, or Beth, or Becca will find themselves in relationships, getting married, and then our friend time will dwindle or disappear. No more late-night tv sessions, no more two hour phone conversations or tearful calls in the middle of the night. No more falling asleep in sheet cake while watching How I Met Your Mother in bed.
Whenever I am confronted by loneliness, it takes me by surprise, because I do not sit around and pine for a partner. However, it always concerns me a little, because I have always lived life with the attitude that I am self-sufficient and independent, and I am proud of these traits. And yet, I do rely quite heavily on my friendships and on my family. Isn't there some sort of saying about how all of life is meaningless unless you have someone to share it with? While it would satisfy me to believe that is a load of bull, moments of loneliness make me feel there is a bit of validity in it. I do not believe I need a partner to make life meaningful. However, I do want to share things that are important to me with people that care about me and understand me. I realize the two are not mutually exclusive; friends can love their parnters and love me. No shit. Which is why I have such a hard time working through loneliness. It is selfish. And irrational. Two character traits I'm not proud of.
The reason I'm pondering loneliness so deeply is that I'm curious to see how my relationship with loneliness will change in Chile. When I feel lonely, I am ashamed of myself because I equate loneliness with weakness, and strength is central to my self-identity. And yet, the times that I do feel lonely reveal a need of things that I will not have with me in Chile: companionship with someone that fully understands me, a shared history, intellectual and emotional intimacy. While I'm sure attaining some of these things is possible in Chile, building these kinds of relationships takes time, and I will not be bolstered by easy access to those people I do share these things with. I will survive, because that's what I do. But I'm interested to see--will I discover a new capacity for loneliness? Part of me hopes so, so I can move beyond this difficult period of friends partnering up as I choose not to.
Wednesday, November 28, 2007
Mamacita, donde esta Santa Claus?
This morning, I arrived to work fifteen minutes early, walked into my dad's office, and gave him a giant grin. Yes, it's true, I'm in a fantastic mood today; the source of my cheerful disposition is two giant, sky blue rolling duffel bags I purchased yesterday at Macy's for 50% off. I think I was happier with that purchase than any thrift store find, any expensive Anthropologie skirt in my entire life. It's been an amazing transition for me to buy things that I need rather than things I want. I've learned that there can be just as much satisfaction in the former as the latter. And, I'm proud to say I have purchased only Christmas presents since I started working at Anthro. I'm not sure anyone thought me capable of that, including myself.
Just seeing the hulking bags, rolling them around my house or the mall, picturing the packing job ahead of me makes me excited. It was the same feeling I got when I was looking at my Mexico pictures with Ashley...anticipation of what lies ahead. I should crack open my guidebooks again, and work on making an itinerary for Argentina. When Chris and I were on the way out of Macy's, Mrs. Claus hollered, "Looks like someone's going on a trip!" and I yelled back, "I'm going to Chile!" It was an awkward exchange, and amusing nonetheless.
I am presented again with the concern that I need to be in better shape in order to haul my life around behind me in duffel bags for a year. Chris suggested for my workout routine filling my duffels with rocks and walking around the block a few times!
I got an email last week from my program. Apparently, it is now a program requirement to complete a 60-hour online Spanish course to participate in the program. While this makes me panic a little (the program won't be running until January; how am I supposed to complete 60 hours of study in two months with my crazy schdule?) it is actually a fortunate development. So far, I've studied approximately 15 minutes of Spanish lessons out of my workbook. With my departure date creeping ever closer, the likelihood of me studying on my own is in a downward trend. (How much farther can you fall from 15 minutes in the last six months?) I have never been good at studying; I tend to just throw some time at a project at the last minute, and no matter how I do, it always seems satisfactory. I was approcahing Spanish with that same attitude; whatever I have done when I leave will be fine, I will make it work...but probably most other volunteers do that too and it doesn't work out so they're making us take this course. How lucky for me!
WorldTeach should also be sending out some more informative mailings in the next couple weeks. Freaking finally! Since I like to plan as far in advance as possible, it has been killing me slightly having such little information at my disposal.
Today I made a spreadsheet in excel of the remaining supplies I need to purchase (or ask for for Christmas), as well as a "to pack" list. I wish I had more information about my teaching responsibilities. It's difficult to plan to buy teaching supplies when I have no idea what my assignment will be. Whatever I end up taking, my stuff now has a giant blue home, which pleases me to no end!
Just seeing the hulking bags, rolling them around my house or the mall, picturing the packing job ahead of me makes me excited. It was the same feeling I got when I was looking at my Mexico pictures with Ashley...anticipation of what lies ahead. I should crack open my guidebooks again, and work on making an itinerary for Argentina. When Chris and I were on the way out of Macy's, Mrs. Claus hollered, "Looks like someone's going on a trip!" and I yelled back, "I'm going to Chile!" It was an awkward exchange, and amusing nonetheless.
I am presented again with the concern that I need to be in better shape in order to haul my life around behind me in duffel bags for a year. Chris suggested for my workout routine filling my duffels with rocks and walking around the block a few times!
I got an email last week from my program. Apparently, it is now a program requirement to complete a 60-hour online Spanish course to participate in the program. While this makes me panic a little (the program won't be running until January; how am I supposed to complete 60 hours of study in two months with my crazy schdule?) it is actually a fortunate development. So far, I've studied approximately 15 minutes of Spanish lessons out of my workbook. With my departure date creeping ever closer, the likelihood of me studying on my own is in a downward trend. (How much farther can you fall from 15 minutes in the last six months?) I have never been good at studying; I tend to just throw some time at a project at the last minute, and no matter how I do, it always seems satisfactory. I was approcahing Spanish with that same attitude; whatever I have done when I leave will be fine, I will make it work...but probably most other volunteers do that too and it doesn't work out so they're making us take this course. How lucky for me!
WorldTeach should also be sending out some more informative mailings in the next couple weeks. Freaking finally! Since I like to plan as far in advance as possible, it has been killing me slightly having such little information at my disposal.
Today I made a spreadsheet in excel of the remaining supplies I need to purchase (or ask for for Christmas), as well as a "to pack" list. I wish I had more information about my teaching responsibilities. It's difficult to plan to buy teaching supplies when I have no idea what my assignment will be. Whatever I end up taking, my stuff now has a giant blue home, which pleases me to no end!
Thursday, November 15, 2007
It's loss and regret and misery and yearning that drive the story forward
I just had the best phone conversation with my brother. He's been calling me every half hour because we're beginning the move tomorrow, and he's excited. I love when my brother is in the mood to talk, and we can shoot the shit and giggle and even talk seriously about whatever's bothering us. There's nothing like a sibling in this world. I feel sorry for people that are only childs. What a horrible thing to do to a kid.
It's moments like these with my brother that make me wonder what I'm doing going to Chile. Whatever our level of communication, days like this won't be possible. Isn't it some sort of common knowledge that you can never know if you are truly happy where you're at unless you leave and experience something else? Well, I think that's crap. I love Washington endlessly. My family is here, and many of my close friends, and sometimes, when I'm driving into the city and there's a beautiful sunset, I get choked up by the overwhelming sense of home. I know there is value to striking out on your own, but when I am so connected here, it doesn't seem to make a lot of sense. But I'm going, nontheless. Many people react with "crazy girl" upon hearing about my adventure, and sometimes, I agree with them.
Whenever my thoughts wander down this path, I remind myself that it's only a year and that it will go fast. But at the same time, so much can change in a year. I don't want people to replace me. I don't want to only be able to connect through email and occasional letters or phone calls. I've become prone to these little moments of insecurity. If an undertaking only makes me a weaker version of myself, does it still have value? Of course. I know there's value in the challenge. I know it, but I don't feel it.
In other Chile-related news, I have raised $875 so far. A far cry from my goal of $3,190, but still rather impressive! Whatever I'm able to raise, in addition to whatever I'm able to save, will be enough because it will have to. I'm sort of excited by the prospect of having to survive on almost nothing. While I did this in AmeriCorps, it doesn't feel the same, because in AmeriCorps, it was more about how to survive in America, whereas in Chile, my standard of living will be starkly different. I can't wait to set off for Bolivia with my backpack and cobble together meals from market stalls. I'm already in the mindset, scoffing at girls I work with that are so impressed with themselves because they manage to pull together a cute outfit, obscenely priced. I spent $500 on clothing that will have to last me a year. And then I get smug, and feel superior, which is not the point, I know.
A PeaceCorps recruiter once shared a little annectdote about how you know you've been in the PeaceCorps when you come back and stories you tell can awkwardly halt conversations in a room full of people. I feel like I'm already entering that realm of thinking about the world differently. Imagine the full impact when I'm gone. Imagine the impact when I return.
It's moments like these with my brother that make me wonder what I'm doing going to Chile. Whatever our level of communication, days like this won't be possible. Isn't it some sort of common knowledge that you can never know if you are truly happy where you're at unless you leave and experience something else? Well, I think that's crap. I love Washington endlessly. My family is here, and many of my close friends, and sometimes, when I'm driving into the city and there's a beautiful sunset, I get choked up by the overwhelming sense of home. I know there is value to striking out on your own, but when I am so connected here, it doesn't seem to make a lot of sense. But I'm going, nontheless. Many people react with "crazy girl" upon hearing about my adventure, and sometimes, I agree with them.
Whenever my thoughts wander down this path, I remind myself that it's only a year and that it will go fast. But at the same time, so much can change in a year. I don't want people to replace me. I don't want to only be able to connect through email and occasional letters or phone calls. I've become prone to these little moments of insecurity. If an undertaking only makes me a weaker version of myself, does it still have value? Of course. I know there's value in the challenge. I know it, but I don't feel it.
In other Chile-related news, I have raised $875 so far. A far cry from my goal of $3,190, but still rather impressive! Whatever I'm able to raise, in addition to whatever I'm able to save, will be enough because it will have to. I'm sort of excited by the prospect of having to survive on almost nothing. While I did this in AmeriCorps, it doesn't feel the same, because in AmeriCorps, it was more about how to survive in America, whereas in Chile, my standard of living will be starkly different. I can't wait to set off for Bolivia with my backpack and cobble together meals from market stalls. I'm already in the mindset, scoffing at girls I work with that are so impressed with themselves because they manage to pull together a cute outfit, obscenely priced. I spent $500 on clothing that will have to last me a year. And then I get smug, and feel superior, which is not the point, I know.
A PeaceCorps recruiter once shared a little annectdote about how you know you've been in the PeaceCorps when you come back and stories you tell can awkwardly halt conversations in a room full of people. I feel like I'm already entering that realm of thinking about the world differently. Imagine the full impact when I'm gone. Imagine the impact when I return.
Friday, November 2, 2007
Beginnings
In preparation for my big journey South, I'm starting a blog. I was afraid to start one early and be tempted to spend all day writing inane posts from work instead of actually, you know, working. (I cannot promise this won't happen anyway.) However, I do want to record my thoughts, fears, and actions leading up to the day in mid-March that will begin my year abroad.
So here I go!
So here I go!
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