Mamacita, donde esta Santa Claus?

This morning, I arrived to work fifteen minutes early, walked into my dad's office, and gave him a giant grin. Yes, it's true, I'm in a fantastic mood today; the source of my cheerful disposition is two giant, sky blue rolling duffel bags I purchased yesterday at Macy's for 50% off. I think I was happier with that purchase than any thrift store find, any expensive Anthropologie skirt in my entire life. It's been an amazing transition for me to buy things that I need rather than things I want. I've learned that there can be just as much satisfaction in the former as the latter. And, I'm proud to say I have purchased only Christmas presents since I started working at Anthro. I'm not sure anyone thought me capable of that, including myself.

Just seeing the hulking bags, rolling them around my house or the mall, picturing the packing job ahead of me makes me excited. It was the same feeling I got when I was looking at my Mexico pictures with Ashley...anticipation of what lies ahead. I should crack open my guidebooks again, and work on making an itinerary for Argentina. When Chris and I were on the way out of Macy's, Mrs. Claus hollered, "Looks like someone's going on a trip!" and I yelled back, "I'm going to Chile!" It was an awkward exchange, and amusing nonetheless.

I am presented again with the concern that I need to be in better shape in order to haul my life around behind me in duffel bags for a year. Chris suggested for my workout routine filling my duffels with rocks and walking around the block a few times!

I got an email last week from my program. Apparently, it is now a program requirement to complete a 60-hour online Spanish course to participate in the program. While this makes me panic a little (the program won't be running until January; how am I supposed to complete 60 hours of study in two months with my crazy schdule?) it is actually a fortunate development. So far, I've studied approximately 15 minutes of Spanish lessons out of my workbook. With my departure date creeping ever closer, the likelihood of me studying on my own is in a downward trend. (How much farther can you fall from 15 minutes in the last six months?) I have never been good at studying; I tend to just throw some time at a project at the last minute, and no matter how I do, it always seems satisfactory. I was approcahing Spanish with that same attitude; whatever I have done when I leave will be fine, I will make it work...but probably most other volunteers do that too and it doesn't work out so they're making us take this course. How lucky for me!

WorldTeach should also be sending out some more informative mailings in the next couple weeks. Freaking finally! Since I like to plan as far in advance as possible, it has been killing me slightly having such little information at my disposal.

Today I made a spreadsheet in excel of the remaining supplies I need to purchase (or ask for for Christmas), as well as a "to pack" list. I wish I had more information about my teaching responsibilities. It's difficult to plan to buy teaching supplies when I have no idea what my assignment will be. Whatever I end up taking, my stuff now has a giant blue home, which pleases me to no end!

It's loss and regret and misery and yearning that drive the story forward

I just had the best phone conversation with my brother. He's been calling me every half hour because we're beginning the move tomorrow, and he's excited. I love when my brother is in the mood to talk, and we can shoot the shit and giggle and even talk seriously about whatever's bothering us. There's nothing like a sibling in this world. I feel sorry for people that are only childs. What a horrible thing to do to a kid.

It's moments like these with my brother that make me wonder what I'm doing going to Chile. Whatever our level of communication, days like this won't be possible. Isn't it some sort of common knowledge that you can never know if you are truly happy where you're at unless you leave and experience something else? Well, I think that's crap. I love Washington endlessly. My family is here, and many of my close friends, and sometimes, when I'm driving into the city and there's a beautiful sunset, I get choked up by the overwhelming sense of home. I know there is value to striking out on your own, but when I am so connected here, it doesn't seem to make a lot of sense. But I'm going, nontheless. Many people react with "crazy girl" upon hearing about my adventure, and sometimes, I agree with them.

Whenever my thoughts wander down this path, I remind myself that it's only a year and that it will go fast. But at the same time, so much can change in a year. I don't want people to replace me. I don't want to only be able to connect through email and occasional letters or phone calls. I've become prone to these little moments of insecurity. If an undertaking only makes me a weaker version of myself, does it still have value? Of course. I know there's value in the challenge. I know it, but I don't feel it.

In other Chile-related news, I have raised $875 so far. A far cry from my goal of $3,190, but still rather impressive! Whatever I'm able to raise, in addition to whatever I'm able to save, will be enough because it will have to. I'm sort of excited by the prospect of having to survive on almost nothing. While I did this in AmeriCorps, it doesn't feel the same, because in AmeriCorps, it was more about how to survive in America, whereas in Chile, my standard of living will be starkly different. I can't wait to set off for Bolivia with my backpack and cobble together meals from market stalls. I'm already in the mindset, scoffing at girls I work with that are so impressed with themselves because they manage to pull together a cute outfit, obscenely priced. I spent $500 on clothing that will have to last me a year. And then I get smug, and feel superior, which is not the point, I know.

A PeaceCorps recruiter once shared a little annectdote about how you know you've been in the PeaceCorps when you come back and stories you tell can awkwardly halt conversations in a room full of people. I feel like I'm already entering that realm of thinking about the world differently. Imagine the full impact when I'm gone. Imagine the impact when I return.

Beginnings

In preparation for my big journey South, I'm starting a blog. I was afraid to start one early and be tempted to spend all day writing inane posts from work instead of actually, you know, working. (I cannot promise this won't happen anyway.) However, I do want to record my thoughts, fears, and actions leading up to the day in mid-March that will begin my year abroad.

So here I go!